You are your own legend

CaptureI woke up with a new enthusiasm. After all it was the first day of the year. I was assigned to give a motivational speech in a rehabilitation center. ‘Maya ko Ghar’ healed anyone with depression or frustrations. I bet the person from a depressed heart turned out to be a cheerful one.

My students made my entrance special with an elegant decoration in the hall.

Dear lovely souls, I will not give you any lecture today. I will read you few papers from my diary. Here it goes,

……….

Dear Diary,

Sorry for being disappeared for five months. I missed you so much. I want to share you what I went through in those days. You know, I have always confessed you about my crush, my love, my fear, my happiness and even my darkest truths only to you. Who can understand me more than you? You love the way I am. You never complain in between, you just listen. You are so special to me.

~Farewell day: Samaya’s absence matters

On our farewell program, I was awarded with “Student of the Year” title. I was a vibrant student in my batch. I was with my family and they were so proud of me. Despite the togetherness with my friends and my parents, I was missing Samaya desperately. He promised me that he would join me to celebrate my achievements. But he didn’t come. I called and messaged him number of times but couldn’t reach. My mind was not at all static and I was little worried. I couldn’t sleep til 1.00 am. Suddenly my phone rang and I quickly received. “So, you must be at top of the world. Congratulations!” It was Samaya and I was too happy to hear him.

“Why didn’t you come?”

“I will see you tomorrow at 2 pm.”

~Coffee Hut: I was broken

For the first time, I reached earlier to “Coffee Hut”, the place we meet often. Samaya was an hour late. He walked straight towards me. His skin was glowing like the sun, so bright. I loved everything of him and the way he was. I leaned towards him for a hug but he was not responsive at all. “Samaya, is anything wrong?” I look at him with love. “Seet, we need to talk.” He sighed.

“Samaya, tell me what’s wrong?”

“Seet, we cannot be together. This is all I want to say you for now and here is a letter.” He walked away. He didn’t even look at me. I felt like falling down from a high altitude. My heart stopped to beat and my body trembled. I couldn’t think of anything. We were in relationship for three years. His sudden reaction made me broken totally.

“Seet, don’t over react reading this. You know, I was never a serious guy and proposing you three years ago was sort of challenge for me. Anyway, three years with you were full of fun. You really are a nice piece to be with. I must tell you, you were not at all a girl of my interest. And, I thought to break up with you the day you rejected me for marriage after your graduation. How could you even think that I would wait you till you get satisfied with your study? Then I couldn’t say to you. Listen, I would never want my wife to go for study or any trips after marriage. Don’t you think you lost me just because of your foolish idea of getting doctorate degree and marrying? Oh, common! I didn’t come yesterday as your achievements don’t matter to me at all. So, take it easy and move on. Please, don’t try to call me or message me. I am marrying Shital next month. You are right, your best friend Shital.”

~My silence

Dear Diary,

Since the day of farewell I didn’t see you. How would I? I was not able to fix anything as every this seemed to get far away for me. The height of my depression rose day by day. There were many offers for jobs but I didn’t show interest in any. I kept saying myself. “I would give up my dreams for you Samaya. Why did you do this to me?”

Like he demanded, I didn’t try to reach him. I stopped going to TV room and spending time with my family. I didn’t react to my brother’s jokes and my mother’s hug. But I smiled always. I didn’t meet my friends but replied their messages. And they told me. “You are too cool Seet.”

I was wearing a mask of a cheerful person. I didn’t let anyone to enter my heart and feel the pain I was going through. I stayed with me and my memories for three months long. I didn’t live those months, I just breathed. I didn’t know Samaya’s absence would matter me that much. I thought I would study, write research papers and apply for PhD but I could do none. The stress didn’t seem to be heavy anymore, my eyes dried up. I was habituated to the stress and it seemed joyous. I then decided not face people anymore as everyone asked me about him and Shital that added more mess to my brokenness. I deactivated my social accounts.

For a month, I didn’t sleep a single night. I thought of ending my existence as the memories were too stubborn to get out of my head. Before, being free and leading my way to utopia, I thought to see my mom and dad.

~I decided to fight

It was 11 pm. I heard some noise from parent’s room. “Look at this dress. I bought it when Seet was 3 years old.” He laughed hard. Mother refused. “You have too weak memory. You didn’t buy it dear, I did it.” They discussed for long and dad surrendered. I kept hearing them. This was first thing I listened to carefully since a long. Mom saw me stand still in the door.

“You haven’t slept yet, Seet?”

“You haven’t slept yet, mom?”

“Your dad is busy preparing surprise for your birthday.” She stopped in between. “Oh, I spoiled it.”

I smiled and kissed her. “Do you fight with dad often?”

“I do every day. Let me tell you a secret, he was never my first love so I take out my frustrations through fight.” She winked.

She continued. “I was in love with a handsome guy. That stupid ditched me and married a foolish girl. Then I felt I was foolish but now I feel he was.”

That pinched me somewhere. Did mom know about my relationship?

“Seet, go and sleep now. I will tell you about my tragic stories tomorrow.” She laughed loud.

“Good night, mom.”

I thought about my parents. My dad’s surprise and my brother’s pranks would not go high if I go away. How can I be consumed by a person? No, I shouldn’t. I exist and I need to. I cannot betray my home. Samaya cannot rule my soul. I will fight. I can’t compel my soul to leave my body.

I activated my Facebook account and posted a photo with my family and captioned ~ “Family is strength”.  I got a photo tagged by my dad. His caption made me cry hard and get stronger.

“Our daughter is back with bang. Happy birthday Star!”

………

Everyone clapped as I ended the last page.

~Depression is real and happens to every one of us. A single bitter moment in life doesn’t mean the end of life. A person cannot judge your existence. You are your own legend. ~

 

Badal Pokharel

April 15, 2016

 

Disclaimer : The story is written on a complete imagination. If matches with anyone or any event, it is totally co-incidental.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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